How to build and sustain a healthy relationship

Over the years, relationships have gone through a remarkable change. Marriage, I hasten add, is no exception. Compared to many years ago, couples could go through thick and thin, dealing with a multitude of issues and problems from financial, unemployment and other daily challenges of life.

Back then, couples made a firm commitment to stick together regardless of the arduous task of coping with the harsh realities of life. It is no surprise that the longevity of most relationships was due to the fact that they were able to withstand the pressure life threw at them.

In particular, they were able to tolerate each other’s faults despite the different backgrounds they both came from. They weren’t perfect, but they were able to work extremely hard at their relationship, because it was based on love, trust, integrity, and a strong determination to ensure the success of the relationship. That is the blueprint for a long and lasting successful relationship. Of course, what works in one relationship will differ considerably in another relationship.

Quite understandably, relationships today are not the same as many years ago. Given that we are now living in a jet age era, the long hours at work, plus the new found independence of women, combined with the pressures of life, couples break up easily at the first sign of disagreement or argument.

The divorce rate has now sky-rocketed. However, this has not diminished the rate at which couples still walk down the aisle. Surprisingly though, couples either neglect going for pre-marriage counselling or they feigned ignorance of the fact that a relationship is a long journey, a marathon as opposed to a sprint.

The input into a relationship far exceeds what couples can get out of it. When couples sow love, they reap happiness. When they sow trust, they reap acceptance. When they sow commitment, they reap loyalty. When they sow a caring and responsible attitude, they reap respect.

When couples make a commitment to one another, they need to invest time, money and energy into it. This is the reason why it is extremely important to choose a partner well before committing to a relationship. One of the many ways this can occur is during courtship.

For example, a woman should not choose a man based solely on good looks or the size of his wallet. A prince charming may turn out to be prince harming later as soon as his true character shows up.

Likewise, when looking for a woman, a man should choose well. If a woman is very wasteful with money and her partner extols the virtues of sound financial management, then problems may arise concerning the management of money later in the relationship.

Having chosen your partner, there is no point trying to change them to measure to your own expectations of what an ideal partner should be like. No man or woman is perfect and expecting them to change after courtship or after marriage may probably never happen.

Surprisingly, during courtship, couples tend to overlook each other’s fault. However, as time goes on, bickering and petty arguments start leading to huge fights. In most cases, one partner is insensitive to the needs or the other partner and keeps repeating the same mistakes to the annoyance of the other partner.

On other occasions, it could be a partner’s refusal to acknowledge they are in the wrong or even when they do, refrain from apologising to their partner.

This unhealthy rivalry,if not properly handled and dealt with immediately can escalate and spring up occasionally in later conversations. As a result, the growing tension which is a recipe for confrontation, will lead to another bout of argument which inevitably will cause a strain in the relationship.

10 tips for maintaining a good relationship

1. Enjoy each other’s company

Partners should love one another as well as enjoying each other’s company. They should laugh as well as play together. They should find each other intriguing and seek to discover something new about their partner each and every day. This will spice up the relationship and prevent it from becoming stale.

2. Accept each other’s fault

No one is born perfect. Hence, tolerance is the key word here. If couples truly love each other, they need to think fifty years from now, will they still be arguing about who forgot to put the toilet seat down or who pressed the toothpaste in the middle?

3. Understand the needs of the other partner

Every woman has needs and they are not always communicated with words. A man needs to understand that a woman needs affection and lots of it. The affection they receive needs to come in several packages not necessarily in the form of money or gifts. Women need and crave attention with words and touching.

Likewise, men need intimacy and are usually expressive with words to covey their feelings. Men need praise and encouragement – this will boost their ego and confidence in a positive way. Men also need a sign of reassurance that they are loved and wanted. Or they will be withdrawn, moody and unresponsive to communication.

4. Go Out

From time to time, couples need to go out either to a diner or to watch a movie. If couples have children, they should engage the services of a minder to look after them. Some couples may use the excuse that they are waiting for the children to grow up before enjoying their lives. What usually happens to such couples is that by the time the children grow up and have left the house, the couples will be too old to enjoy their selves.

5. Communicate

Every relationship should have an open communication. Each partner should express their thoughts, feelings, aspirations, and where they see their lives going. Communication should be based on trust, respect for the other person without being judgmental. For communication to be effective, one person should do the talking whilst the other person should listen and vice versa.

6. Respect each other’s space

Every individual craves his or her space. On occasions, women need to do their own stuff like going shopping or doing an activity they enjoy doing. Similarly, men also enjoy their own space by watching either football or reading a newspaper undisturbed. Both men and women need time to unwind and have a relaxation period that has to be respected.

7. Hang out with friends of same gender

Occasionally, women need to be with their friends and have a fun time together. They enjoy talking about their lives and listening to each others problems. Men also need to be with their friends. They create a strong bond by going bowling, playing soccer or having a social drink together.

8. Take time to travel

Couples need to get out of their environment and explore other places. This exciting adventure could be done together or alone. The adventure gives them an opportunity to be with people of other cultures and experience something new. It is also an avenue for couples to communicate alone without friends phoning or visiting them.

9. Don’t deny each other sex

Women enjoy sex just as much as men do. However, when couples have an argument they should not use it as an excuse to deny each other sex. Men can have sex any time and they need an outlet, just as women to release the stress as well as the pent up aggression building inside them.

10. Settle your arguments immediately

Rather then sweep arguments under the carpet, couples should find a convenient time to settle arguments the same day. Leaving the argument till the next day only prolongs the matter. As a result, until the issue is confronted and resolved amicably, the couple will be irritable towards one another and may even desist from communicating for days.

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